So, let me bring you up to speed.

The Pride of Putnam County finally found my blog. Well, OK. Maybe not really. “John” (PutnamJohnny@gmail.com) has found my blog. He says he’s a neighbor and he doesn’t even know Mark Hallburn.

Really?

Earlier this week, the headlines on Putnam County’s only “green” news source trumpeted this *cough* story:

HOSTWAY TAKES DOWN PUTNAMLIVE .COM
Blames “D.O.S.” Security Attack On Server
By Mark Hallburn
Publisher
PutnamLIVE.com

You may have had trouble logging onto PutnamLIVE.com this week.

Don’t blame us.

Someone tried harming our server, at Hostway.com, in Chicago, Illinois, Wednesday. For the computer geeks out there, we are told it was a “D.O.S. attack.” Whatever it is, in order to protect thousands of customers, Hostway shut down the server.

… So, let me get this straight. Hostway. Mark Hallburn’s Web server.

So, if you read the comments by *cough* John, Mark Hallburn’s blog was never racist (in a miracle that rivals both the birth and the resurrection of Jesus, all references to Mexicans and Asians are gone …) and I’m working for Wal-Mart and boning Hurricane’s mayor.

Jesus, you’d think with all of the commuting, the 50-hour weeks at a Washington, D.C., newspaper and making more money in a week than Hallburn makes in a year, that I’d have plenty of time for both having sexual relations with a politician I’ve never met (400 miles away from my home and my boyfriend of more than a year) AND donning the blue smock to welcome people in for prices that can’t be beat. I’m lazy. I’ve let you all down.

So, anyway, *cough* John, who says he’s not Mark Hallburn, was somehow referred to my site in this way:

Wow. You know, I’m no skeptic, but isn’t that one hell of a coincidence? John has a Web site hosted with Hostway TOO! And in the same neighborhood, even. Holy CRAP. What are the odds? I mean, that does it. I’m buying a lottery ticket on the way home because this is just TOO eerie of a co-inkydink!

Oh, but wait! There’s more!

Ah, yes, Gigantor tried in vain to see my Facebook page. Now, I don’t have anything to hide, so in case *cough* John would like to know more about me, he can read here. He can look at my Twitter stream. He can Google my name. I’m not that hard to find. I’m also no big secret.

And I’m also not afraid to put my name to my thoughts and feelings, which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for you, *cough* John.

Updated @ 6:10 p.m.: In case you weren’t creeped out enough …

I’m sure there’s a logical explanation for all of this, isn’t there?

Updated @ 7:46 p.m.: Jesus. Tapdancing. Christ.

Taken, verbatim (again, Mark, that means “word for word” from a newly amended PutnamLive.com blog):

April 22nd, 2009: It has been brought to my attention that a woman from Malaysia, “Jacque Jo,” is trashing this blog on her blog. It’s easy to see why. She can’t hear the excessive noise in Malaysia. As bad as it is here, it admittedly isn’t loud enough to reach half-way around the world! She criticizes my comments about a guy that disrupted our neighborhood having trouble speaking English, but in her “Twitters” comments about a Maryland DMV employee having problems with English. Why does it seem that most of my critics are raging hypocrites?

First, that blog post wasn’t there on April 22. I know that because, as I’ve been completely honest from the onset, I’m a daily reader.

Secondly, and this is a huge one here … I’m in MARYLAND.

MARYLAND. Not Malaysia. The person who found my blog looking for poo is from Malaysia. I cannot believe that someone who alleges to be a journalist has problems with basic reading skills. MARYLAND.

Third, you couldn’t have possibly seen any posts on Twitter about the Maryland DMV experience. Those would have expired. What you mean is that you read my BLOG post about Maryland’s Motor Vehicle Administration. Now, I’ll use little words to try to make this as easy as possible, but a BLOG is an online journal in which I stand behind my thoughts and opinions. TWITTER is a social networking, microblogging site in which people have 140 characters to post whatever they choose — links, random thoughts, events.

I mean, I’m absolutely stunned by your stupidity.

Finally, I am not a hypocrite. When I visit a government agency, I expect that the people working at the government agency have a basic grasp of the English language. I don’t block them in parking lots with my car and harass them or tell the world how much I hope they go back to where they originated. If that’s the best you’ve got, it’s weak, at best.

Shall we read on?

April 24th, 2009: One of my critics who demanded that I move but refuses to meet with me or buy us out sends me an email with a link to the lady’s blog from Malaysia. Amazing that he would know about a foreign blog in Hurricane. Maybe the “Lady from Malaysia” is really a Putnam County politician in “Internet Drag!” This is getting good! On the other hand, picturing a certain mayor in a dress is pretty scary, though not much scarier than encountering him any other time!

Again, MARYLAND, you simpleton. MARYLAND. Why in the HELL would someone from Malaysia be at the Maryland Motor Vehicle Administration trying to get a driver’s license?

Also, I know this is probably difficult for you to understand, but I’m not hiding behind any sort of fake identity. I am who I am. If you were brave enough to open your site up to comments, I’d proudly post there under my own name, not as my neighbor *cough* Jane who doesn’t even know me.

Mark, you’re seriously outgunned, here. In every sense of the word. I am not, in any way, afraid of you. I will not back down from you. You will not intimidate or “ridicule” me. You’re out of your league, pal. Way out of your league.

Updated @ 9:22 p.m.: Again, for the love of sweet baby Jesus in heaven, here we go (again). After seeing that *cough* John, who I can only guess is a contributing editor at PutnamLive.com because it’s all coming from the same IP, spent some time checking out the updates, here’s what’s going on in the padded cell:

The woman from Malaysia later rips me on her blog saying she is from Maryland. Her ISP clearly says Malaysia. Doesn’t matter where she is from. She doesn’t live in this neighborhood and doesn’t know the crap we have been put through so that her buddy, Silly Scotty, can buy her along with his wives, cheap Chinese shoes! At least she is reading PutnamLIVE.com. Those that read her blog will see her for the arrogant, insensitive idiot that she is, taking shots at this neighborhood and what we have endured from her position o peace and quiet from far away. This means she is perfectly qualified to run for office in Putnam County! Later, someone crashes my software and changes the color of this page to aqua. These people are ruthless!

Here, Mark. I pulled this for you. It’s from whatismyip.com.

Now, I know reading’s a little bit of a challenge for you, and that’s OK. We’re not all gonna be astronauts when we grow up. You got the Malaysia from the post below where this all began. Just man up.

Oh, wait, that’s right. I just I got on my coconut phone from Malaysia and called my friends in Maryland to do this screen capture.

Again, I know that truth, honesty and forthright sharing of information is a concept that escapes you, along with monitoring your caloric intake, but I have some modicum of journalistic ethics. If I knew Scott Edwards at all, I would say something like, “In the interest of full disclosure, I know Scott Edwards.” Because that appears nowhere, I think it’s pretty safe to presume that I have no vested interest in Scott Edwards.

Here’s a little heads up for you, Mark. Disagreeing with you, and calling you out for acting in a ridiculous manner, doesn’t mean someone knows Scott Edwards.

Oh, and the cheap Chinese shoes crack? What was that about me being a hyporcrite again?

“Those that read her blog will see her for the arrogant, insensitive idiot that she is.”

Here, let me clean that up for you. It’s, “Those who read her blog will see her for the arrogant, insenstive idiot she is.” I’m a person, so I’m a not “that,” I am a “who.”

Finally, nobody crashed your software to change your page. What are the odds that your blog’s background, which now has the exact same background as my Twitter page (and it happened more than three hours ago), could be changed by a software crash? I mean, those odds have gotta be off the charts. My coconut phone isn’t that good. We don’t have much in the way of technology here in Malaysia.

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