Good afternoon, everybody and welcome to this week’s edition of Five Things Monday. I went back and forth for a good while on today’s five, when thanks to my new iPod headphones (FML … ) and my music collection, I got hit with a bolt of inspiration.

I saw a cover band this weekend. Well, the tail end of the cover band. Four, five songs at the most. They were decent, though I took issue with them closing their set with The Allman Brother’s “Melissa.” Given the time of day, and the scene, I just thought that was a “meh” way to end it. I told Known Associate I really wished they’d have closed it with The Marshall Tucker Band or something. The song “Can’t You See,” at least to me, just feels like the way you bring it home.

I’ve got a pretty impressive history of seeing cover bands in various establishments in many states. By now, I’d almost consider myself somewhat of a connoisseur of them, if that’s possible. And in that time, I’ve seen some horrible cover bands. I’ve also seen some ambitious cover bands who punched above their weight, and it felt like they punched me in the face.

With that in mind, here are the top five songs I’ve seen go wrong by cover bands. Feel free to add you own in the comments.

1. “Comfortably Numb” by Pink Floyd. Look, Mr. Guitar Player, I’m not saying you’re not talented. You’ve got far more guitar acumen than I do. With that said, you’re not David Gilmour. There’s no way you’re going to nail that solo. If you could nail that solo, you wouldn’t be playing at Tacky’s Tavern in Peoria, Ill. And you wouldn’t follow “Comfortably Numb” with “Workin’ for the Weekend.” I’m not telling you, Mr. Aspiring Cover Band Guitar Player to not shoot for the moon. I’m just telling you if “Comfortably Numb” and any song by Loverboy is in your repertoire, you may be diversifying your portfolio slightly too much.

2. “I Could Not Ask for More” by Edwin McCain. Hold the phone, y’all. I just want you to digest that for a minute. A band I saw about eight years at Jaybo’s Grub and Grog in Wheeling, W.Va., committed this act of domestic terrorism after they’d played “Inside Out” by Eve 6. They were “slowin’ it down” and encouraged many drunken patrons to grab their ladies and head to the dance floor. I remember a guy with some poorly drawn rose tattoo trying to get me to dance. I also remember promptly getting the hell out of there. I’m not certain I’ve been back, actually.

3. “Wanted Dead or Alive” by Bon Jovi. You know, in an odd coincidence, you could use the opening lyrics of this song to sum up this entire list: “It’s all the same … only the names have changed.” I’m having a hard time remembering exactly where I saw this band (this smacks of my upstate New York years), but I remember the lead singer’s voice clear as can be. I remember this guy screaming into the mic about the loaded six-string on his back, and I couldn’t help but imagine him after the show getting into his 1987 Ford Escort and driving to his studio basement apartment and pulling out Bread records. I don’t know why that’s my mental image of that guy, but it’s one that’s still with me. I think this is like Edwin McCain — if the legitimate act is enough to make you snicker, it’s a recipe for disaster for your cover band.

4. “Bad Boys” by Inner Circle. Swear. It wasn’t even a reggae-themed cover band. I sat there in shock, and if you’ve managed to shock me, well played, sirs. This band, which took the stage in the summer of 1998 in a disgusting bar in Fairmont, W.Va., has to be the worst cover band I’ve ever seen. So bad, in fact, that for the life of me I cannot remember what they called themselves. It was something along the lines of “Twizt of Faite.” I don’t think that’s what it was, though. But, again, as an objective observer, you shouldn’t be putting novelty tunes into the rotation. I’d consider this to be on par with a punk-ska cover of the “Hokey Pokey.” Both would make me want to leave and be hella pissed about the $5 cover charge I had to pay for this aural assault.

5. “Mony Mony” by … effing everybody. Just don’t. Seriously. This is so worn out, it’s almost ironic. If I’m watching your cover band and you break this out, I will be that guy and start yelling for Skynyrd. You’ve been warned.

So, there you have my five. I could have easily made this 10 today thanks to the 1980s station I’ve been listening to since 1 p.m. or so. Lita Ford, anybody?

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